Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Listless and Subjective
Ahh, lists. The list - the loveliest thing that has ever been invented since the elephant - has been keeping busy people from doing their real work for centuries. Lists have been keeping people forgetful for almost as long, and lists have provided people with easy-to-process, mostly meaningless and completely irrelevant information for as long as they have existed.
I tried to have a separate blog for my lists for a few hours, but this bugged me and I deleted it.
Here is my first list, a list that is important for all people to peruse and apply to their daily lives...
The Top 10 Best Lists for Anyone:
10. The to-do list:
Everyone knows that to-do lists are important, but nobody really knows why. We cling to them as though they held our life essence and we never stray from them. Therefore, I thought them worth a mention (and not much else). Here is a cool blog by Sasha Cagen called "To-do List" that shows how your to-do lists reveal your inner creep. Just kidding. But not really.
9. The favourite music/movies/books/art list:
This list has been keeping people pretentious in the fuss-free, easily accessible way they prefer for years. Need to impress a potential sexual partner a party? Whip out this bad boy. No need to get into details about your personality or your pets. Here is a list of lists of bests for if you couldn't come up with some yourself.
8. The list of obscurities:
This list acts in much the same way as the previous list, but it includes only music, movies, books, art (and their creators) that nobody else knows about. This list is your secret weapon when you meet somebody you really want to impress, or if it's someone that just pisses you off. Either way, it will serve the desired purpose of intimidating and bullying your conversation partner into admiration and/or submission. Here is a website that, well...
Uhm... Hell, I don't even know.
7. The list of stuff you'd do in a broken elevator/on a long bus trip/waiting
Everyone knows this list. It is usually filled with fun, inspiring and productive (or at least giggle-inducing) stuff to do when you have nothing else to do. Aside from that, it is usually drawn up in the precise situation it is being drawn up for. Who really has a list like this prepared for that wait of doom? I do. Making lists is the only point on it.
6. The dream list
This list is a list of dreams you would most love to have once you perfect the art of lucid dreaming. First on mine, for example, is that I would like to dream about perfecting lucid dreaming. Apparently, once you learn how to do it, you'll have the most fun you've had in ages. Which is why i have had the foresight to recommend making a list of the dreams you'd most like to have - and then HAVE THEM. Bahahaha.
5. The list of back-up plans
When there is a lot resting quite precariously on something you need to do, having a list of alternate options is important. Always have a back-up to-do list for when your first to-do list fails. Don't make this list too long - ever. Sometimes you can get too confused and your lists will end up devouring you (no, seriously, they eat you whole) and you will never be able to do what you needed to do on your to-do list in the first place. Even writing about back-up to-do lists has got my back do up to... What?
6. The contact list
Some people call this "The Little Black Book" - but I don't recommend one if you want to be taken seriously in life (because, no, life is not a Sex and the City episode and most things those four gals do will probably be frowned on and/or illegal where you live). A contact list, for any serious people, is a list of people you can bug for information (if you are a journalist), favours (if you are a journalist or a no-good bum) and for making further contacts (if you are a super-networking cyborg). Build it up, use it wisely, never share it.
5. The list of places you'd most like to visit:
This list is just great when you're trying to get to know people. If they want to visit London, you know they've probably never been out of South Africa. The rest of Africa? Probably a pretentious asshole. Rio de Janeiro or Mauritius? Run from this girl (it'll be a girl) like you've never ran before. She is just softening you up before she spends everything you own on self-tanner and Cosmopolitans at the local Holiday Inn and runs away with the pool boy when your resources are depleted. To see some other people's opinions on their favourite holiday destinations (use the tips I have taught you), click here.
4. The "If you had three wishes BLAH BLAH BLAH" list
...just because everyone is always going to ask you, it is worth preparing a cool answer for. Make it something like 1.) To get out of this conversation 2.) For your face to then explode comically and 3.) To own a prostitution ring. Or something.
3. Your list of favourite websites
This list is important to have (and to keep accessibly bookmarked in your internet browser) because sharing your favourite websites is fun. You can waste more and more people's time with websites and URLs that they will never check out, even if it is "the best thing since Rotten.com"* and even if you make them swear on their mother's lives that they will. They won't. But it's fun anyway.
2. The shitlist
No, I don't mean The Definitive Shit List*, I mean the list of people that you hate. The concept of the shit list, first introduced to me by an ex-boyfriend of my mother's, is that every person who wrongs you ends up on it. It is the perfect tool with which to intimidate, guilt trip, scare or insult somebody. Keep one, and keep it up to date. And preferably public.
1. The funniest Youtube videos list
This list is probably the most crucial list for any self-respecting person in the world to have. Who doesn't like videos of cats playing the piano, autotuned everything (with nuts you'll love) and people falling in ways you couldn't even lucid-dream of.
...so do it.
Let me know what you thought of my first list and share yours as well!
* Made you look.